Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day
by DM1 Thu May 29, 2014 9:48 pm
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle
The snack bar next was called "The Fission Chips."door to an atom smasher
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!
Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.
Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle
The snack bar next was called "The Fission Chips."door to an atom smasher
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!
Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.
Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.
DM1- Posts : 25
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-25
Age : 58
Location : Illinois
Onslow- Admin
- Posts : 7
Reputation : 9
Join date : 2014-05-17 -
Re: Jokes of the day
by DM1 Fri May 30, 2014 9:33 pm
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
AND . . . (drum roll please?)
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!
Q: What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
A: I lava you!
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature!
Q: How do hurricanes see?
A: With one eye!
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Q: How hot is it?
A: It's so hot, when I turned on my lawn sprinkler, all I got was steam!
Q: Who does everyone listen to, but no one believes?
A: The weatherman
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
AND . . . (drum roll please?)
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!
Q: What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
A: I lava you!
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature!
Q: How do hurricanes see?
A: With one eye!
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Q: How hot is it?
A: It's so hot, when I turned on my lawn sprinkler, all I got was steam!
Q: Who does everyone listen to, but no one believes?
A: The weatherman
DM1- Posts : 25
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-25
Age : 58
Location : Illinois
Re: Jokes of the day
by DM1 Mon Jun 02, 2014 2:57 pm
DUI Enforcement
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass
DM1- Posts : 25
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-25
Age : 58
Location : Illinois
Re: Jokes of the day
by DM1 Tue Jun 03, 2014 9:02 pm
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
DM1- Posts : 25
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-25
Age : 58
Location : Illinois
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